Dear lovelies, today I get it. I get why single parents who do not have strong faith or strong suppoer group give up and simlpy get from day to day. After a month of one-thing-after-another, today was another big one. And if I may be honest, I am blooming tired of the crap. I am tired of things happening. I'm tired of making decisions. I am tired of trying to rearrange schedules. I am tired of trying to fit one more thing in. I am tired of people needing anything from me. I am tired of married people in similar life places telling me they understand.
BUT, this morning I got home from walking Semper, which went badly due to two dogs her size being out down the street, swept and mopped the floors where she is still not potty trained at night, and took my shower. I stood in the shower and this is what I said:
I don't know how single moms work multiple jobs, stress about finances, and raise their kids well. I don't see how they can possibly have the energy. I don't have the demands they do, and I am...tired. I don't know how anyone who doesn't have faith in your goodness walks through this world. I think I would quit getting out of bed because what hope do those parents or those people have of things getting better? I don't know.
Because this is what *I* know:
I know you are my strength.
I know your character, and your love for me is solid and kind and trustworthy.
I know you are my fortress and strong tower, and the storms and onslaughts are going to come, but they have to go through you, not me, and nothing can get through you.
Things may not go the way I want, but it'll be okay.Sometimes it isn't that you don't work; it's that you don't work the way I want, but I trust you, even if I get disappointed.
I know you are my wisdom, so I'll make the decisions that need to be made.
I know you are my source of knowledge, so I will prioritize as things need to be ordered.
I know you meet my every need, so even if I don't get everything I want, I'm still in the best place possible...with you.
I know not everyone gets it, but I know they love me, and I really, really am so thankful for that.
I know there are people praying for me and my family that I don't know about, and you have us covered.
I know what it is like to hurt so badly that I have nothing to give anyone, so even when I feel like i have nothing else to give, I really am thankful people know I am here for them and care...because I am and do.
I know this is a hard place, but it is just a place. My faith is being built, and my character is being hoaned, and I am learning peace in the chaos.
And I know you always provide a helping hand when i need it or am not to proud to ask for it.
I know this is stretching me hard, but growth is preparation for something bigger and I need the growth to step into something else.
I also know you aren't freaked out by a hard cry, but it would be nice if my sinuses were not so congested afterward. Just saying.
Thank you for who YOU are because you are always someone I can lean into and sumberge myself into and rest. You are my provider in every way. You are my strength and safe place, and I am undone by how gloriously wonderful you are. I love you. Amen.
--Jerri L. Kelley--