Today is my birthday. By the time you read it, it won't be, but as I lie hear under multiple blankets because it is cold outside, it is my birthday.
Sort of get that double whammy when you birthday is at the first of the year. The pressure of making a new year count and making great plans and the reality that one more year of your trip time waltzing around the sun is up and your time is shorter, and how many more times will I make this trip anyway?
Yesterday I had a good cry.
This is my third birthday as a single mom, and, well, to be honest, I just didn't think I would be "not in a relationship" this long. I really thought I might be remarried by now, but even if I wasn't, to be this long without a relationship...really? In fact, in the last 3 years I've been on two dates, and both were with friends of mine from high school whom I love dearly...as friends. BUT, I looked nice, and they paid, and this, so I found out, is a date.
So there you go. My romantic life.
Sometimes being alone is really hard. Contrary to what folks think, it isn't about being stuck in the past, unwilling to move forward. Sometimes it is the very desire to move forward that makes it so hard. It is hard not having someone to watch a favorite movie. It is hard not having someone to do the Christmas shopping with you. It is hard sitting on the beach, listening to the waves, and no one else be there. It isn't being stuck in the past. It's wishing someone was there now. A few of my friends are also widows whose husbands died within months of the time my husband died. They will tell you the same thing.
So I moved forward. Embraced life. Found new stuff I love. But some days I wish there were someone here to live with. I don't mean cohabitate. I mean LIVE with. Adventure with. Investigate with. Enjoy the world with. Someone to be on the journey with. Someone to be excited with. Someone to be still with. You know. LIVE with.
Today is one of those days.
BUT, despite not having a significant "friend", I do have important people, and I spent the day with my two amazing kids who made the day about me, and we laughed and had fun. It was a good day. :-)
And I've been pondering.
When I was married before, so much of my life revolved around my husband, his job, his schedule, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to live. Now, I'm wondering.
If I could do or be anything, what?
Once again, my friend's words are reverberating in my head:
"We were never aloud to believe we could fail."
If I could do or be anything and know I could not fail (because God NEVER fails), what?
If I could be any Jerri, what Jerri would I be?
I want to be a Jerri of impact. Not because I need to be known but because others do. I want to impact others' lives. I want people to know there is a way through their pain. There is "the other side". No. Nothing will ever undo the past, but that doesn't mean anyone has to live there.
I want people to know someone cares that they are in their own personal hell. I can't fix it, but I won't ignore it.
I want people to grow and become strong and know God is with them and know how to relate to Him and let Him relate to them.
I want to empower people to be the person of impact they were created to be.
And I'm pondering how my package of gifts can be used to do that.
The fact is, I don't know if this will be my last year or if I'll finish this year or if I'll live another 40 years. What I know is if I am serious about this life not being my life, then this time is not my time, and I'm wondering how God wants me to spend it.
I've signed for up a class. :-) I might tell you about it later. Not sure yet. We'll see. :-)
The project I was asked to oversee looks like it is not moving forward, so that gives a LOT of time.
I'm still raising teenagers, with one of them preparing to start college.
I'm still writing, which I love.
I feel like I'm doing a lot of consuming and need to be doing more giving. And, no, this isn't a guilt thing. It's being responsible for who I am and my time here. It's being a steward of my life. Granted, it isn't the life I thought I'd have at this point, but it's life, and life isn't something that happens. It is something that is created.
I want to create something worth living no matter how many birthday I have.
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